I’ve always had this fear of never finding someone to share my life with, and up until yesterday I thought that was my biggest fear. But yesterday while I was watching an online stream by Jordan Bach (check out his Twitter @JordanBach, he posts some great life-affirming quotes) he said something about one of his past fears…someone seeing him. Not just physically seeing him but actually being able to see who he was. At that moment it clicked in me, I’ve dealt with this for as long as I can remember, I was just never able to put it together. My greatest fear was that someone would see through all my bullsh*t and be able to see the real me.
I’ve dealt with insecurity as to who I was and if who I was, was valuable. I always told myself that I was different, especially in my family, and that no one would really understand me. As I grew older I sort of put on this persona to the world; this sarcastic, confident, and goofy guy. Everyone likes a funny person, so that’s what I became. It’s not that I needed to be loved or accepted but I just didn’t want people to see the real me and find out I’m worthless. When you are the funny person in the group people come to you to smile, not to get into deep meaningful conversations.
The longer people would stick around me, the more they realized they really didn’t know much about me. I wasn’t one to share my feelings or my thoughts to people in my life, I kept that all within me. I myself couldn’t handle my own thoughts at times, much less someone else. I wanted to be visible but at the same time I was trying to keep the real me invisible. I was one person trying to do two things that continously clashed with each other.
It wasn’t until my last relationship that I noticed the negative effect this was having in my life. You can’t possibly try to share your life with someone else, if you don’t allow the other person to see the real you. Things would happen in my life and instead of going to my partner to talk about them, I would keep them within myself. When my partner would ask if something was off (obviously you can’t hide your true state of mind sometimes), I would react negatively towards him. You can’t keep things in all the time because you reach a point where something random can set you off for no reason.
If I try to keep the real me invisible because I don’t like a part of me then those around me won’t get to see the positive things I have to offer. Fear holds us back from fully being able to understand the limitless possibilities that are in our lives. We shouldn’t let fear stop us from being the individuals we are really meant to be. Relinquish the fear and let the endless possibilities flow into your daily life. Some of the greatest things in life come from breaking free of fear and experiencing life for what it can be, without limitations.