I don’t know if this is just me, but sometimes I look at people and think, this person really has their life in order. I suddenly started wondering if people in my life think I have my stuff together. I would say for the most part I have my outer self pretty in control, but I don’t think I have my sh*t together by any means. How many of these people I see, that seemingly have everything under control, are actually just as messy internally as I am. Maybe they have the “fake it until you make it” mentally.
Confession: I don’t have my sh*t together…and that’s okay.
I have come to realize that not having myself completely together doesn’t mean i am immature, lazy, or a failure. I just haven’t found that equilibrium. Who knows if we actually ever find that moment. Maybe it’s something that just comes naturally. It seems various pieces can be in place but there always seems to be something that is just missing.
I have a secure job, home, friendships, and family but there is just things I feel I am missing. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for what I have in my life but I just want to have that moment where I feel complete. Maybe I put too much pressure on the universe to give me all these pieces. Maybe I am just too impatient. I just want to wake up one morning and be full. Not have anything I want more from life, the moment i am in has everything that I want and need.
For those who have been following me for a while have read a bit about my ex. For those who are barely stumbling upon my blog, “hello and welcome”, I’ll give you a little review. My ex was my first real relationship, and the first person I ever told “I love you” to. Things ended a bit messy when I got dumped because my ex was in love with someone else. After some time of not talking we got into the habit of talking and hanging out sometimes. We go through spaces of not talking for a while then my ex will randomly text me. We even did the whole “FB” thing, which I would have to say for the most part we handled pretty well.
I hadn’t seen or spoken to my ex for over a month, but I got a text a couple days ago. I wouldn’t say I had forgotten about my ex because I still think about him quite often but receiving a text just physicalized his existence. I have been in this state of happiness lately, and with it I let go of a lot of negative feelings I had towards him. But just because those negative feelings are gone doesn’t mean I am ready to embrace a friendship with him. What holds me back is that part of me still, or thinks, loves him. It’s been nine months since we ended our relationship, and for some reason I can’t shake that feeling.
I know I should just let him completely go but just don’t know how to tell him. I don’t just want to ignore his messages because I don’t want to be that rude guy and mostly because I can’t contain myself from responding. As much as I want him in my life I don’t know if I can handle him popping up from time to time. I want to know he is okay, but at the same time, every time he pops back in my heart flutters a little.
I just texted him to see if he can meet up and talk. I just wanted to hear from you about what I should do. Should I even meet him? Should I go and declare my feelings and tell him to leave me alone forever? I just don’t know, but I feel saying and doing nothing won’t get me anywhere.
Don’t you just hate it when you’ve finally moved on, or think you’ve moved on, and then find yourself right back where you were before? Not to say where you were before is an awful place but it might not be the most healthy situation. It kind of crushes your confidence when you get this false illusion of strength, to only breakdown and let yourself fall back down. You were living your life thinking you are ready for life to bring you new and positive things.
But now here you are…waiting for the phone to ring.
But now here you are…waiting for your next hit.
But now here you are…waiting for that empty kiss.
But now here you are…waiting to hear the words “I Love You” when you know they carry no meaning.
But now here you are…waiting on life to pass you by.
But now here you are…waiting again to snap out of it.
Why are some of us destined to make the same mistakes over and over, while some can quickly escape? At some point we decide to give up, and assume maybe this is what’s meant to be if we can’t break the cycle. Maybe we aren’t meant to live the life we think we deserve; even when we are in the unhealthy cycle we know there’s something better, but it’s just not meant for us. Might as well embrace the situation we are stuck in and just deal with the consequences. We even talk ourselves into believing that maybe this time the situation will change for the better.
No matter how many times you may fall back down, get up. You’ve experience that moment of strength, even if it was an illusion, and you know how much better off and happier you were. Feeling that again is worth you trying once more. You may have to try multiple times to finally reach your full strength potential, but once you get there it’ll have been worth it. Never settle for anything, but what you know you truly deserve. Life just sometimes makes us work harder for it, so when we reach our bliss we can truly enjoy and appreciate it.