Born Again Virgin

Well, it finally happened. I am a born again virgin. Okay, well maybe not that of an extreme but there definitely has been a shift. I have never been a big random hookup kind of person but it would happen from time to time. But since my breakup I have kind of become a hermit in that area of my life. As I’ve written before my ex and I would get together from time to time since our breakup and hook up. It didn’t dawn on me until this week that he is the exception. Let me explain.

This week I was in a situation where hooking up was bound to happen, we are talking literally seconds from happening and I just couldn’t do it. Something just wasn’t right so I couldn’t. I never really thought about it because I had been hooking up with my ex without problems but I just don’t have urge to have sex with a random person. Having sex with my ex was easy because there was emotions behind it, but doing it with someone I really didn’t know made me uncomfortable. I wasn’t able to relax and it didn’t feel natural. 

To be honest for a while I thought about sex as just a physical activity, where feelings could be separated but now I am in a place where I can’t separate emotions from the physical act. I always knew that having sex with someone you had feelings for made for a deeper connection, but I honestly thought I could have sex without a thread of emotions. Obviously other people have sex without connections, but I am at a point in my life where I am no longer able to do that. By no means is my new found perspective meant to be taken as a criticism to those who have random hookups. People derive happiness from different places. 

Maybe this journey to self happiness has shifted my perspective in more ways than I know. The state of pure happiness has turned the physical act of sex obsolete.  I can get the happiness of a physical activity by working out or doing yoga. I am now conscious of the frigidity of a random hookup. I don’t gain happiness from hooking up with someone who isn’t going to bring anything emotionally to the table. Having sex is a very personal thing, you are letting someone become the sole thing in your life for that span of time. That person should be someone who is worth you shutting the rest of the world out. Someone who thinks enough of you to do the same for you, and shut their world down temporarily. 

Birds and the Bees in 2013

My parents luckily never had the dreaded “birds and the bees” talk with me. I am not sure if they just assumed I was innocent and had no desire to have sex or they just didn’t want to have the talk themselves. Either way I am grateful for having missed that whole awkward situation. My mom saying penis or vagina in spanish is just something I can’t even imagine, and hope I never get to experience that. 

I learned about sex through media outlets. In retrospect learning about sex through movies and tv is probably not the most healthy thing but it helped me get through it well enough. I was a late bloomer, I didn’t get down until twenty-one. Not that I was saving myself or anything but it just worked out that way. Over the years I’ve come to a few conclusions about having sex for the first time…

1. Saving Yourself. I am not a fan of the “saving yourself for marriage” idea; sexual compatibility is important, finding out you don’t have that with your lover on your wedding night…awkward. There is something in the saving yourself for the right person. Having sex for the first time is actually a pretty big deal, not in a life changing way, but in the way that your first experience can carry repercussions to future experiences. You need to make sure the person you are sharing your first time with will be patient and caring, you don’t want to have a bad experience on your first time and then assume it’ll always be like that. 

2. Sex is Fun. Sex is not like in the movies, it’s not that easy and fun. It can definitely get there, but your first few times won’t feel so magical. One of the most important things about sex is knowing your body and what you like, that only comes with time and practice. The first few times expect some head butts, and awkward moments. So relax and just take it slow. 

3. Experienced. This goes along with what i said on one, the first time you have sex should be with someone that has experience. You are already a bit nervous because you aren’t sure about what happens, so having someone that knows what they are doing will make the experience a bit more pleasurable and educational. Of course, make sure this person is someone that will treat you right and not take advantage. 

4. Safety. This is something that should go without saying but make sure you are safe. Guys wrap it up, and ladies take that pill. Sometimes when it’s your first time you are at the mercy of the other individual, and some may want to take advantage and tell you that it’s not the way it’s really done. Just because its your first time doesn’t mean you don’t have a say in what is going to happen. 

5. Don’t Rush. Just because everyone around you is having sex doesn’t mean you have to. It’s important to not rush into this because once you do it, that’s it. You want to make sure you are ready and also know who you are sharing this experience with. 

6. Research. It’s vital if you have never had sex to look it up. This generation has the easy access to information on anything, don’t take it for granted. While sex is natural, it doesn’t mean we are built with a sex file in our brain that houses all you need to know. Sex is more than just inserting bits and pieces into other bits and pieces. A good source of information is a close friend, they will be the best at telling you all you can expect and then some. 

7. Big Deal. I mention that sex for the first time can be a big deal for future experiences, but other than that it’s not going to change your life much. Don’t expect to finish having sex and have this sense of enlightenment (although during it you might think you found it) or change. Sex is a natural human thing, so doing it doesn’t really change much (I mean unless you get pregnant of course). Don’t think you did it wrong when you finish and you don’t feel different.

The most important thing is to just wait until you are ready. Life is long, so there’s no rush.  I will leave you with this little gem, sex really is much better when you experience it with someone you love. I know I know, you can roll your eyes at me. Hopeless romantic, can’t help it.