Twenty Five at Twenty Five

Well, tomorrow I will be turning twenty-five. For as long as I can remember I’d always love my birthdays and always had plans to celebrate it, but this year I truly have no desire to celebrate it. Maybe it’s left over trauma from my birthday last year, or maybe I’m just over making a big deal out of a day that really is no different from all the other days. In any case, a few weeks back a blogger I follow on Tumblr, The Secret Diary of Jake, posted a list of things he has achieved and stuff he is proud of and I decided I’d do the same. Twenty-five things as I turn twenty-five.

1. One year ago I had my heart broken, and fell into the deepest depression/sadness I’ve ever experienced, but now I am the happiest I’ve ever been.

2. I’ve learned being single doesn’t mean being alone. Learn to appreciate the love you receive from people in your life, even if they aren’t your partner.

3. I am who I am, and I’m happy with it.

4. I don’t need to impress anyone, those who matter will appreciate me for the way I am.

5. I may not have full control of my life, but as long as I put out positivity the universe will happily guide me on the right path.

6. I may not fit perfectly into my family, but they care about me either way.

7. I am not right all the time, and that’s okay.

8. I am happy with my physcial self. I am pretty darn handsome, and I need to tell myself more often.

9. I don’t need to compare myself to others. We are all different, thus no one is better than someone else.

10. I’ve managed to find people in my life that accept and love me. I love my friends!

11. I’ve learned that being negative only leads to more negativity.

12. I’ve learned to not take myself to serious. You can make mistakes, it’ll be okay.

13. You finally gave avocados a chance, and now I love them.

14. I’ve learned to forgive is the only way to move forward. I won’t hold a grudge against anyone. No one is worth me staying in a negative mindset.

15. I’ve learned there is people out there who also feel out of place. Maybe we all feel that way. Doesn’t make us weird, just human.

16. I’ve started a “career” job. I kind of love it.

17. I’ve come out to people in my family, and it was okay.

18. I’ve learned that I do have value and are contributing to others happiness.

19. I’ve learned being happy is so much better than staying in the same bleek mood.

20. I’ve learned I can’t sing but that shouldn’t stop me from singing at the top of my lungs.

21. I shouldn’t beat myself down when things go wrong, it happens. Tomorrow is an opportunity for success.

22. I can love someone and not be with them. Love is a beautiful thing, we shouldn’t try to squash it.

23. I look good when I smile!

24. There is people who will listen and encourage you to be better.

25. I am amazing.   

I am a Zombie!

Be forewarn this post has not been edited for making sense, so if it’s a confusing read….welcome to my zombie mindset. 

Do you ever just get in this zone where you are zoned-out? You are living life but you are just doing the motions. Sometimes you wake up from the haze and don’t even really know how you got to where you are. Lately I’ve been getting stuck in this zone. It’s never intentional, it just sort of creeps in and takes control. 

It kind of steals your energy. Today I got dressed to go shopping, but i ended up going back into bed dressed up. I’ve turned down opportunities to go out just for the fact that I have no desire to do anything. Is it possible to be depressed and happy at the same time?

My life is going pretty great. I have a job that I love. I have friends that I love. I am looking to finally move out of my parent’s house. I’m making progress in the gym. Yet even with all these things being aligned I’ve just sort of felt….empty lately.  

My twenty-fifth birthday is coming up in a couple weeks, and I have no desire what so ever to do anything for it. This year has probably been the most life changing I’ve lived so far and recently I have been looking back on it in preparation for a future blog post. Think this probing into my year has sort of caused this hazed. Not only is my birthday coming up but also it’s been almost a year since my break-up, so much in my life has fallen into place but the thing that started a shift (my break-up) in me has not. 

I think I’ve been so focused on making things happen, that now that a lot of these things have happened I am left in a weird space. Things that I have not completely settled but kind of tip toed around are left in this space. My reaction is just to go numb to not deal with them since I’ve been trying to keep busy to not have to finally deal with these issues. Sigh. 

The truth is I am happy. I need to focus on the positive things in my life and let them lift me out of this zombie zone. Maybe I just need to let my birthday pass since it’s so tangled up with sad memories from my breakup. Hopefully with it passing, my mind can focus on what I do have and what is still to come. Just have to remember to stay smiling because I have so much to be grateful for including those of you who are reading this.

Thank you for reading this. If you are struggling with something just remember you always have something to be grateful for, let that embrace you and fill you up until the storm passes. 

 

 

5 Random Products/Things I Like!

It’s been a while since I did my last “Favorite Things” video, this time I thought I would just post some random items I really like. I normally stick to talking about life and love things but I like to post randomness from time to time. 

First is a book I’ve written about but never fully recommended. “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz talks about four things we can do to prevent needless suffering and find happiness in our daily life. The four points are nothing complex, but his explanation and examples show just how much these things can affect us. It’s a fast read but probably the book that has affected me the most on my route to self happiness. Highly recommend it!

I love me a good bowtie. What started as a simple fascination a few years ago, has grown into an addiction. I’ve upgraded from buying pre-tied to self-tie bowties…be impressed! The front one (the spikes and studs) is one of the best presents I’ve ever received (camera doesn’t do it justice), and I store it in a special box. 

I’ve never really been a cologne kind of guy, but these are my three all-time favorite colognes. For my female readers if you ever need a present idea for a male in your life these come highly recommended. They actually last but aren’t overwhelming. Any man that wears any of these automatically earns a special place in my heart.

I actually got into this next product because my ex used it. He always smelled amazing when cuddling because this body wash scent last on the skin. It’s a Bath & Body Works product: Aromatherapy Body Wash & Foam Bath specifically the Black Currant Vanilla. It’s $13 a bottle which is a little pricey but this wash really foams up, so all you really need is a little to use in the shower. Recently purchased the Eucalyptus Tea scent, which I haven’t used just yet but will soon since it’s suppose to be a stress reliever. 

One of my worst habits is that I bite my nails whenever i’m bored. This has lead to not only really short nails but also some mest up cuticles. One of my friends recommended using cuticle cream which I didn’t even know existed, I ended up purchasing Burt’s Bees: Lemon Butter Cuticle Cream since I’m a fan of their chapstick. Not only does it smell delicious but it really worked. Even better, it worked in a matter of a few days, I could tell there was a major difference in my cuticles. I don’t remember the price but it was quite pricey for the little tin can it comes in, the good thing is that the can last for quite a bit. 

 

 

 

 

 

Giving Your Heart Away

Careful what you love because that’s what you could lose.

Think one of the hardest things in life is deciding who to give your heart to. We have all given our hearts away only to have them returned broken. Some of us never recover from that, we grow fearful and doubtful of anyone attempting to receive our heart. We build up these walls to protect our heart, but all we are really doing is shutting ourselves down.

We can only be truly happy when we are free and open to the world. We can’t live in fear of hurt or pain. Whether we have these walls built up or not, hurt will happen. If you keep building up these walls more and more with each new hurt then you will have closed any opportunity for true love to arrive. 

Nobody likes to have a broken heart but people who aren’t afraid to love freely are the ones who find love first. They take each heartbreak as a step closer to finding that true love. Your heart is a muscle, the only way to build a stronger and bigger muscle is to tear it up and let it rebuild bigger and better. Don’t be afraid to workout your heart. Be open to giving your heart away to those who deserve it, and don’t be afraid. 

Your Potential

We always have potential to grow and become more than we are in this moment. Just because we can’t see it in the moment doesn’t mean it’s not there. All it takes is some faith and work, with that we can grow stronger and taller. We have unlimited potential so never doubt yourself. You can grow as much as you allow yourself. Never doubt your potential.

My Big Day!

For so long I never thought I would get married. Not because I didn’t think I could find love (fingers crossed) but because the idea of a wedding just never appealed to me. It cost a ton and seems so stressful to plan, plus I don’t believe you need to put a ring on it to make it eternal or validated.

Yet I recently came to the conclusion that I do want to get married. How did I come to this conclusion you might ask (let’s be honest you probably don’t care but i’ll still share)….I noticed a ton of my “likes” on tumblr were about wedding things. I’ve had a picture (picture is below) saved on my phone that I found on tumblr for well over three months, which i thought would be a beautiful idea for a proposal setting or for a wedding dinner rehearsal.

I’ve actually had planned what I want my wedding ring to look like for almost a year, I’m pretty sure that’s normal. That I won’t share though because it seems a little personal (yes, now I have boundaries). I don’t know if it’s just my gayness kicking in or I’m just at a state in my life where I’m getting the marriage fever, no clue. I’ve also already thought of songs I want mixed together as my wedding song dance…I’m pretty sure that’s my gayness to blame for this. I’m even following a vlog on Youtube about two guys planning their wedding (http://www.youtube.com/user/BillyandPatVlog), which just gives me more ideas to be obsessed with about weddings. 

I just want to have a day where everyone around me can see how much I truly want to commit my life to this one person. I want my partner to know that I love them and want the whole world to know how much they mean to me. It’s not even so much about the party, which trust me will be amazing…gay wedding duh! But it’s about feeling our love magnified by all the people around us that believe in our love. I’ve come to the conclusion that love is something you work on and grow, not something that will magically happen and be perfection. When you find someone that you want to work on building the greatest love possible, there’s no shame in proclaiming your love with a nice festivity. 

I am waiting for that love to come into my life, so in the mean time I will live vicariously through the internet. I will warn my future husband that the longer he takes to come into my life, the more time I have to get ideas which leads to a pricer wedding, so he should hurry up and get here as soon as possible. 

Do any of you have pictures and ideas already for a wedding that is no where near in sight? There’s nothing wrong with single people planning a wedding right?

 

 

Drop the Heaviness

Don’t let anyone or anything slow you or bring you down. Let them go! You determine how fast you reach your goals and happiness.

Love Strength

I showed you my weaknesses                                                                                           You showed me my strengths                                                                                                 I thought you would show me our future                                                                            You showed me to a broken heart                                                                                     Left me with a million broken pieces.

Even with you gone                                                                                                             You helped me move on                                                                                                     The strength you helped me find                                                                                       Rebuilt me stronger than ever.

How can I forget you                                                                                                               Even after our end                                                                                                                   You were there to show me my strength                                                                                  For that I will always love you.                                                                                                                   

Why Can’t You Get What You Want

I read an e-book today called “Spiritual Marketing” by Joe Vitale which outlined five steps you can take to create wealth for yourself. While I wasn’t a fan of the author, his writing did bring up a lot of good points. One of the most fascinating things to me is his reasoning for why we don’t get what we want. His answer is the “energy you put out is the result you get”.

So many times we wish for a better paying job, or a better relationship but what we are really doing is complaining about our current situation. We wish for a better job because we are falling behind in our bills or our boss is a jerk. We aren’t putting out positive vibes to receive what we want, instead we are throwing out negativity and in turn we stay in that negative situation. The energy we are sending out is blocking any positive change from coming into our lives. 

When we change our energy to a positive one, we learn that we are deserving of something better. You need a new job because your talent and skill set can handle it. You deserve to make more money, because you have things to offer. You deserve a better relationship because you have a lot of love to give. Focus on the positive reasons why you deserve what you want.

Sometimes we don’t get what we want because we can’t make up our minds. This is one of the things we are most guilty of but are the most oblivious about. How many times do we complain about something not happening, yet we changed our mind several times about what we really want. The author used an example of ordering soup: if you ordered a chicken noodle soup, but then changed your mind and tell the waiter you want vegetable soup, and then the veggie soup arrives but you aren’t happy because now you actually want the chicken noodle soup…who’s fault is it? Yours.

The universe can’t give you what you want until you are certain of what you actually want. Some things take time to occur, so changing your mindset will never allow things to fall into place so they can occur to you. If you want a relationship but can’t decide what you want in the other person, then that person will never appear. The universe won’t take your order until you know what you want. 

You need to know what you want and what you will do with it when it arrives. Know that you are worth those dreams you dream of. Those things are achievable and can come into your life if you allow them to. If you are prepared the universe will grant you these things. 

Bye Bye Online Dating

I recently deleted my online dating accounts. It has been the same cycle of people just wanting sex or people who can’t carry a conversation. I have come to the realization that I am not missing anything by not being on these sites.

My initial reasoning for making these accounts is because I am horrible at interacting with people in person, making a good first impression is quite difficult for me. Somehow being online makes it easier for me to be confident and outgoing. Maybe I have a fear of rejection, and being rejected in person is quite a bit more brutal than someone just not responding to your message online. I am also quite shy, I would never go up to a stranger when I am out and about. Being online comes with a freedom to be yourself, because you are basically describing yourself on your profile so people know who they are dealing with when they start a conversation. 

But honestly I think the biggest reason I had these online accounts was because I wanted to find the right person as soon as possible. The online dating world cast a huge web with so many more potential matches than you just walking around in your daily life. With my last relationship I was able to imagine my future: the house, the wedding, and maybe children. So when that ended and I was fully back together I wanted to find someone else that I could imagine those things with again. 

Now that I have been single for ten months, I have come to the realization that I am okay with being alone. Yes I do miss cuddling, and having someone to discuss my day with in bed. Yet, I have gone without a relationship for ten months now and I’m at a much happier place than I’ve ever been in my life. It seems with time I am growing and coming into my own skin, being alone forces you to deal with yourself.

I still want that relationship that’ll allow me to imagine a future together with that person, but I can’t rush this into happening. Hopefully the right person is out there for me, and somehow they will come into my life. The universe always finds a way. For the time being I am happy being alone and growing. By the time the universe brings love back to my life, I’ll be much better prepared to handle it.