Owning Who You Are

I wish people recognized who they are, the good and the bad. Most people when asked to describe themselves say: nice, funny, caring, adventurous…..all positive things. Yet what people don’t say is they can be a**holes, mean, insensitive, snobby, confusing, fragile, or stubborn. Why are people afraid to use these words to describe themselves? Admitting to yourself or to others the “negative” aspects of your personality does not diminish the positive side. All these things make up who you are at this moment in time. It does not determine who you will be tomorrow; one shouldn’t be afraid to embrace and recognize these “negative” aspects of your personality.

I am not saying be proud to be a jerk but if you have the tendency to be, then recognize it. The only way to better yourself and grow (if that is what you want) is to be fully aware of who you are. If you just acknowledge being a great person and ignore the possibility of not so great characteristics within yourself, then you will always be who you are in this moment. Just because you think you are a great person doesn’t mean you actually are. 

I would say I am decent person, but I am aware of various “negative” sides to being me, Adrian. Everyday I wake up and try to be the best person I can be in this moment, sometimes I succeed and other days…well I can be a jerk. The things is I don’t beat myself down when I do not have a great day because I am aware that I have this in myself, but I am working on improving it. The hard part is for the people around you. Some friends know all of you,  they can handle and accept your less than fabulous moments. While others may not know or accept the less glamorous side. 

Owning who you are is hard; you have to live with who you are everyday. The sooner you recognize who you are the faster you can try and become a better person, not just for yourself but for those around you. 

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A Daily Rant

Being a gay man, I’ve always tried to walk this line of not allowing the fact that I am gay define me as a person. I am more than just a gay man, that’s just a tiny aspect of who I am. Yet in the wolrd we live in now, that aspect is a big label I must choose to wear or hide. This moment in history calls for those who want change to speak loudly, and wear that label as visible as possible. There is nothing wrong with being gay but just not broadcasting it, that’s a personal choice. But in order to make change happen, we must change us. We must wear this label until the world realizes that this label is nothing more than just a tiny part of that person, not something that should define them.

I live in a world where I live in fear of holding another man’s hand or kissing a man I love in public. No one should live in a world where being themselves puts their life at risk. I know who I am, and so should the world. I am someone who wants to love and be loved. Why should I be afraid of love? Why should I be afraid to show my love to the world?

I want to live in a world where the word gay/lesbian/transgender are obsolete. I don’t want to be defined by a word. I want to be define by the kind of person I am. How I treat others. How I allow others to treat me. I just want to be Adrian.

Why can’t the world just be happy with that? 

 

Current Event: Phil Robertson’s Gay Remarks

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I normally don’t talk about current events but I thought I’d give it a go. Let me know if you like this kind of thing on my blog.

Recently one of the stars of Duck Dynasty made some comments, in a GQ magazine interview, describing his views on homosexuals. He basically grouped homosexuals with terrorist and drunks; also stating homosexuals wouldn’t “inherit the Kingdom of God”. Just today the network, A&E, that airs the program suspended Phil Robertson indefinitely from the show due to his remarks.

You would think being a gay man I would be outraged or offended by his remarks, but if anything I’m more offended by the TV network that has pulled Phil out of his own reality show. My issue with this is, he was just stating his beliefs in a magazine article (as far as I know he has never mentioned any of this on his show) yet he is being punished for his beliefs. Now I for sure don’t agree with any of his comments, but that doesn’t mean I would wish harm against him.

Being gay I know that a a huge portion of people see my life as negative or lesser than their lives. I have no problem with people expressing their beliefs, as long as those beliefs are stated maturely and without hostility. If someone wants to say I’m as good as a terrorist, then that’s their opinion, I know I am not. Other people’s opinions don’t diminish who I am. I am who I am, someone trying to say something different doesn’t affect me at all. I have a fundamental issue with Phil hunting duck for sport or recreation, but I doubt he would be offended by me stating that. So why should I be offended by his remarks on something he may have no life experience with?

There is bigger battles out there, people who actually physically attack homosexuals or wish us ill will. Phil just stated his opinion, while maybe not the most eloquent manner, he didn’t wish homosexuals anything ill-mannered. If people are taking Phil’s commentray to heart and suddenly start hating homosexuals, then let’s be honest that person was never really on the equality train, no loss there. Plus, last I checked Phil wasn’t God, so I’ll take my chances being gay, how I was born.  

 

Holiday Season: The Gift of Stress

That time of year is upon us once again, the holiday season. While I enjoy the chilly weather and the beautiful decorations around Houston, this time of year has always been a stressful one for me. A variety of things contribute to my stress this time of year; increase in traffic, stores always packed, selecting a “thoughtful” gift, and my most dreaded holiday related activity….family gatherings. Now I know what you are thinking “Adrian….stressed over social gatherings…never, he is such a social butterfly”, well believe it. Yes, this socially awkward individual is even more stressed and awkward with family gatherings. 

This may just be me, but I tend to believe I’m the black sheep of the family. Why have I crowned myself with this title? Maybe it’s because I’m the only gay individual in family, I tend to not have any similar interest to discuss with family members, or just because I’m normally an awkward social butterfly and being with family that sometimes feel like strangers just magnifies my awkwardness. I tend to arrive to family gatherings late (yes, i’m one of those always late for the party people) and also end up leaving early on in the night. Just the idea of spending long hours with my family starts stressing me out.

I am not sure if it’s just me growing older, or being more confident in myself as a person but I finally reached the point where I realized the only problem here is myself. My family has never been rude or anything other than welcoming, yet I tend to act as if I could catch some disease from them. I had somehow crowned myself as a black sheep because I was uncomfortable in my own skin, not because my family awarded me that title. Who knows, I may be the black sheep to some individuals in my family but that shouldn’t make me uncomfortable or stressed out.

Everyone is different, and in one aspect or another we may all feel like a little bit of a black sheep, but that’s what makes a family work…diversity. We should all feel confident in ourselves and just be who we are. Real family will love you unconditionally, and those who don’t are missing out on getting to know an amazing person. Who knows maybe you being yourself will make some of those individuals with preconceived notions on certain things more understanding. GIve yourself the gift of being you, that’s the only way you can fully enjoy the company of others.

I hope you all experience a positive and enlightening holiday season. Remember to take a break within the madness and take in how lucky you are to be you. 

Twenty Five at Twenty Five

Well, tomorrow I will be turning twenty-five. For as long as I can remember I’d always love my birthdays and always had plans to celebrate it, but this year I truly have no desire to celebrate it. Maybe it’s left over trauma from my birthday last year, or maybe I’m just over making a big deal out of a day that really is no different from all the other days. In any case, a few weeks back a blogger I follow on Tumblr, The Secret Diary of Jake, posted a list of things he has achieved and stuff he is proud of and I decided I’d do the same. Twenty-five things as I turn twenty-five.

1. One year ago I had my heart broken, and fell into the deepest depression/sadness I’ve ever experienced, but now I am the happiest I’ve ever been.

2. I’ve learned being single doesn’t mean being alone. Learn to appreciate the love you receive from people in your life, even if they aren’t your partner.

3. I am who I am, and I’m happy with it.

4. I don’t need to impress anyone, those who matter will appreciate me for the way I am.

5. I may not have full control of my life, but as long as I put out positivity the universe will happily guide me on the right path.

6. I may not fit perfectly into my family, but they care about me either way.

7. I am not right all the time, and that’s okay.

8. I am happy with my physcial self. I am pretty darn handsome, and I need to tell myself more often.

9. I don’t need to compare myself to others. We are all different, thus no one is better than someone else.

10. I’ve managed to find people in my life that accept and love me. I love my friends!

11. I’ve learned that being negative only leads to more negativity.

12. I’ve learned to not take myself to serious. You can make mistakes, it’ll be okay.

13. You finally gave avocados a chance, and now I love them.

14. I’ve learned to forgive is the only way to move forward. I won’t hold a grudge against anyone. No one is worth me staying in a negative mindset.

15. I’ve learned there is people out there who also feel out of place. Maybe we all feel that way. Doesn’t make us weird, just human.

16. I’ve started a “career” job. I kind of love it.

17. I’ve come out to people in my family, and it was okay.

18. I’ve learned that I do have value and are contributing to others happiness.

19. I’ve learned being happy is so much better than staying in the same bleek mood.

20. I’ve learned I can’t sing but that shouldn’t stop me from singing at the top of my lungs.

21. I shouldn’t beat myself down when things go wrong, it happens. Tomorrow is an opportunity for success.

22. I can love someone and not be with them. Love is a beautiful thing, we shouldn’t try to squash it.

23. I look good when I smile!

24. There is people who will listen and encourage you to be better.

25. I am amazing.   

My Big Day!

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For so long I never thought I would get married. Not because I didn’t think I could find love (fingers crossed) but because the idea of a wedding just never appealed to me. It cost a ton and seems so stressful to plan, plus I don’t believe you need to put a ring on it to make it eternal or validated.

Yet I recently came to the conclusion that I do want to get married. How did I come to this conclusion you might ask (let’s be honest you probably don’t care but i’ll still share)….I noticed a ton of my “likes” on tumblr were about wedding things. I’ve had a picture (picture is below) saved on my phone that I found on tumblr for well over three months, which i thought would be a beautiful idea for a proposal setting or for a wedding dinner rehearsal.

ImageI’ve actually had planned what I want my wedding ring to look like for almost a year, I’m pretty sure that’s normal. That I won’t share though because it seems a little personal (yes, now I have boundaries). I don’t know if it’s just my gayness kicking in or I’m just at a state in my life where I’m getting the marriage fever, no clue. I’ve also already thought of songs I want mixed together as my wedding song dance…I’m pretty sure that’s my gayness to blame for this. I’m even following a vlog on Youtube about two guys planning their wedding (http://www.youtube.com/user/BillyandPatVlog), which just gives me more ideas to be obsessed with about weddings. 

I just want to have a day where everyone around me can see how much I truly want to commit my life to this one person. I want my partner to know that I love them and want the whole world to know how much they mean to me. It’s not even so much about the party, which trust me will be amazing…gay wedding duh! But it’s about feeling our love magnified by all the people around us that believe in our love. I’ve come to the conclusion that love is something you work on and grow, not something that will magically happen and be perfection. When you find someone that you want to work on building the greatest love possible, there’s no shame in proclaiming your love with a nice festivity. 

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I am waiting for that love to come into my life, so in the mean time I will live vicariously through the internet. I will warn my future husband that the longer he takes to come into my life, the more time I have to get ideas which leads to a pricer wedding, so he should hurry up and get here as soon as possible. 

Do any of you have pictures and ideas already for a wedding that is no where near in sight? There’s nothing wrong with single people planning a wedding right?